Military humor post

Her'es some military jokes and humor I recently found.
Note:Please feel free to ad more military jokes and and humor that you find to this post.
Hat tip: Military.com

Three men were sitting together bragging about how
they had given their new wives duties.
The first man had married a Woman from Colorado and
had told her that she was going to do dishes and house
cleaning. It took a couple days, but on the third day
he came home to a clean house and dishes washed and
put away.


The second man had married a woman from Nebraska He
had given his wife orders that she was to do all the
cleaning, dishes, and the cooking.
The first day he didn't see any results, but the next
day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his
house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was
a huge dinner on the table.


The third man had married a girl from Ohio . He told
her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned,
dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and
hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the
first day he didn't see anything, the second day he
didn't see anything, but by the third day some of
the swelling had gone down and he could see a little
out of his left eye, enough to fix himself a bite to
eat and load the dishwasher.

A North Carolina redneck passed
away and left his entire estate in
trust for his beloved widow.
However, she can't touch it
until she turns 14.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Folks in Georgia now go to
some movies in groups of
18 or more. They were
told 17 and under are not
admitted.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The minimum drinking age in
Tennessee has been raised to
32. It seems they want to keep
alcohol out of the high schools.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In Mississippi , reruns of "Hee Haw"
are called documentaries.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How can you tell if a West Virginia
redneck is married? There's dried
tobacco spit on both sides of his
pickup truck.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tennessee has a new $3,000,000
State Lottery. The winner gets $3 a
year for a million years.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Recently, the Governor's Mansion
in Little Rock burned down. In fact,
it took out the whole trailer park.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The best thing to ever come out
of Arkansas is Interstate 40.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And my very favorite.........)
An Alabama State Trooper stopped a
pickup truck. He asked the driver,
"Got any ID?" The driver said,
"Bout what?"

What do have when you have 32 W.Va women in a room? Give up? A set of teeth! What is a Redneck virgin? Any 8 year girl who can out run her cousins.

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart
covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The
heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes
stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own
funeral........ I'! m a gynecologist."
The proctologist fainted
I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives.

By following the simple advice I heard on the Dr. Phil show, I have finally found inner peace. Dr. Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started and never finished."

So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, all of the Doritos and a box of chocolates.

You have absolutely no idea how freaking good I feel right now!

Dang, that Dr. Phil is smart! Please pass this on to those you feel might be in need of inner peace.

A young Private on leave stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico ....

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

The Private said, "What the heck, bring me an order."

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy."

The next morning, the Private returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday."

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si,Senor. Sometimes the bull wins.

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE. (Not that any of you are!)

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said "no". Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up.

Within minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"